In a shocking turn of events, the beloved and notoriously elusive mascot of Dunning-Kruger University, The Squatch, has been arrested for multiple DUI offenses, casting a shadow over the otherwise spirited reputation of the institution.
Local authorities confirmed that the legendary Sasquatch, who has been the face of DKU’s underdog athletics program for over a decade, was apprehended late Friday night after swerving erratically through town in a stolen golf cart from the university’s campus. Witnesses report that The Squatch was shouting incoherently about “going pro in beer pong” while narrowly avoiding a collision with a statue of the university’s founder, Dr. Hubert Dunning-Kruger himself.
According to the police report, this isn’t the mascot’s first run-in with the law. Records indicate a pattern of similar infractions, including a memorable 2022 incident where The Squatch attempted to evade arrest by hiding in a hedge, leading officers on a three-hour standoff before being coaxed out with a tray of nachos.
Dunning-Kruger University has released an official statement expressing disappointment in their mascot’s behavior while also emphasizing their commitment to second chances. “At DKU, we believe in learning from one’s mistakes—eventually,” the statement read. “While we do not condone The Squatch’s actions, we recognize that self-awareness is a lifelong journey, and in some cases, an uphill battle.”
